(Matthew Horwood / Contributor/Getty Images)
Law enforcement officials have reportedly questioned former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in connection to a federal probe into the death of Mr. Peanut.
Mr. Peanut, the 104-year old mascot of the Planters snack food company, was killed earlier this week when a stunt on the set of his 2020 Super Bowl commercial went horribly wrong.
The ad, which featured Mr. Peanut inexplicably on a mountainous road trip with comedian Matt Walsh and actor Wesley Snipes, turned tragic when the spokespeanut who was known for his top hat and monocle failed to execute a very basic driving maneuver, sending the peanut-mobile sailing into oblivion.
Snipes, Walsh, and Mr. Peanut were thrown from the vehicle but managed to grab a conveniently placed branch that tragically, could only support the weight of two average-sized celebrities. Walsh and Snipes survived the incident. Mr. Peanut did not.
Planters released a statement in the wake of the accident that hailed Mr. Peanut a ‘hero’ and claimed the brave legume had perished as a result of his decision to sacrifice himself in order to save the lives of Walsh and Snipes.
But new evidence uncovered by federal authorities probing the matter suggests something far more sinister took place on that tragic day when Mr. Peanut finally met his maker.
Autopsy results show the 104-year-old legume was dead prior to suffering the devastating injuries he sustained in his fall from the bluff, prompting investigators to suspect foul play.
“I noted a single bullet hole in the upper third of his shell,” said noted pathologist Matthew Hibbeln, who conducted the autopsy on Mr. Peanut’s body. “I also found high levels of fentanyl in his bloodstream.”
“Now look,” Hibbeln continued. “People just don’t go around randomly shooting at peanuts with monocles, and when’s the last time you saw a peanut shooting up heroin?”
“Hell, he still had rigor mortis when I pried a note from his hand that read ‘If I’m found dead, Hillary Clinton is the one who did it,’” Hibbeln added. “I mean, how much more damn evidence do you need?”
Meanwhile, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton told federal investigators Thursday that she had never met Mr. Peanut, adding that she “hates peanuts” and “usually picks them out” of her trail mix.
But a source close to Mrs. Clinton who asked to remain anonymous for fear of being ‘suicided’ told WIBC that the former First Lady did, in fact, have regular contact with Mr. Peanut, and she had long been irate over his refusal to provide free snacks at campaign events during her 2016 run for President. The source also said Clinton claimed in private on ‘multiple occasions’ that Mr. Peanut had cost her the election.
“People don’t think straight when they’re hungry,” the source told WIBC exclusively. “Clinton reasoned that the crowds at her campaign stops had demonstrated a lack of enthusiasm and failed to realize that she was a better choice than Trump due to low blood sugar.”
According to that same source, the former Secretary of State had also blamed Mr. Peanut for the “embarrassingly large” number of presumed supporters who regularly departed early from her rallies along the campaign trail.
“Where the f*** do you people think you’re going?” Clinton famously said at an Iowa rally in 2016. “Sit your ass down or I’ll pull a Vince Foster on every last one of you mothers!”
“Oh man, I was at that event,” the Clinton confidant told WIBC. “She was really, really pissed.”
The source continued: “She had just fallen down for like the 16th time that day and was already on edge. Then half the crowd left early to beat the Trump supporters to Applebees and she just completely lost it.”
“I’m going to get that shell-wearing, monocled freak if it’s the last thing I do,” Clinton allegedly muttered to herself as secret service agents ushered her out of the event.
“I’d never heard anyone mutter something under their breath in such an offensively shrill manner,” the source close to Clinton revealed. “I now suffer from tinnitus as a result of the time I spent on the campaign trail with Hillary.”
The estate of Mr. Peanut did not respond to WIBC’s request for comment prior to publication.
*Please note: The Chicks on the Right are NOT suicidal. We love our families; we love our jobs, and we love Mr. Peanut. R.I.P.
*Portions of this article are completely untrue. In fact, the whole damn thing is one big piece of bullcrap.
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