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An obviously budget-conscious man in Brazil decided that he needed a nose job. And while medical experts say best practices for rhinoplasty include NEVER going with the lowest quote, the hero of this story knows that in the era of rampant inflation, every dollar counts.

So Brazilian man with an unsatisfactory schnoz did what any sensible person would do: he watched a few rhinoplasty DIY videos on YouTube, grabbed the sharpest utensil he could find, and got to carving!

Spoiler Alert: It didn’t go well despite his keen attention to detail and following the YouTube instructions to the letter. For example:

  1. He used 70 percent alcohol to clean the cuts.
  2. He made sure to NOT wear gloves in order to enjoy full usage of all his sensory abilities.
  3. He didn’t text or check Facebook ONE TIME during surgery.

Yet in spite of his careful planning and skillful execution of the surgery, he still wound up in the hospital.

The man was taken to the Campo Limpo Emergency Care Unit and is reportedly not dead. He looks forward to a full recovery and performing penis-enlargement surgery upon himself very soon.

Insider-Tip: According to the unofficial plastic surgeons’ code, a rhinoplasty professional should never reveal his secrets. However, one doctor who was willing to speak on the condition of anonymity said contrary to popular opinion, DIY methods to alter your nose can actually leave you looking worse and lead to serious complications.

“As with any major at-home DIY surgery,” he further cautioned, “you should know the risks and practice on alley cats prior to performing the procedure on yourself.”

Hey, while you’re here, check out the latest single from Hammer and Nigel Records: The Monkeypox Song!