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Copious amounts of drinking and drugs! Face punching! Turds on beds!

These are apparently the closely-guarded secrets to maintaining the toxicity in a high-profile celebrity marriage. Yes, fame and money can buy you many things, but an unhealthy marriage is something that requires constant work and discipline to make it truly terrible.

Oh sure, great marriages take work too. But pooping on your partner’s side of the bed as punishment for leaving your birthday party early without a permission slip? That takes creativity. That takes skillful aim. That takes a highly fibrous diet.

In 2022, no one exemplifies the ideal abusive celebrity marriage and breakup better than Amber Heard and Johnny Depp. Burt and Loni established the baseline standard in the 1990s. Mel Gibson and Oksana Grigorieva raised the bar even higher some 15 years later. And then, Amber Heard and Johnny Depp said “Hold my goblet.”

Depp, who has yet to break character as the iconic “Jack Sparrow” since production wrapped on “Pirates of the Caribbean 5” in 2016,  is suing ex-wife Amber Heard for defamation, seeking a generous $50 million for his troubles. And thanks to a magical and futuristic technology that allows networks to beam moving pictures and stereophonic sound from a Fairfax, Virginia court to living rooms around the world, we’ve all got a ringside seat!

The viewership ratings have been absolutely smashing! And entrepreneurs Hammer and Nigel smell unlicensed celebrity merchandise gold!

Indy’s #1-rated afternoon drive show is proud to present the “My Little Defamation Lawsuit Playset” – exclusively from “Hammer and Nigel Toys.”

It’s not available in stores! Click below to learn how you can score one of these limited-edition collectibles today, complete with your very own realistic, hand-crafted turd!