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Hammer and Nigel Hot Tip: 911 is for “emergencies” only.

What Qualifies As An “Emergency?”

Emergency versus non-emergency scenarios is something that is blatantly obvious to your average adult with a 1st-grade education. Sadly, there are multiple persons among us in society who are shining examples of dumbass exceptionalism and require an explanation.

When Should You Call 911?

  • “There’s a fire.”
  • “Someone has passed out and is not breathing.
  • “Someone has been shot, stabbed, or suffered some other injury that requires immediate medical intervention.”
  • “A crime is in progress.”
  • “I just saw a serious car accident.”

When Shouldn’t You Call 911?

  • “I saw a guy taking a walk by himself and he wasn’t wearing a mask.”
  • “My dog was humping my leg and now I can’t get his penis inside its thing.”
  • “My neighbor has a Trump flag in his yard.”
  • “I got farted on by a guy in Walmart and I want to sue. Send police.”
  • “My sister is refusing to share her food at the movie theater.”
  • “The line at KFC is too long.”
  • “I want to see fire trucks and ambulances with lights and sirens.”
  • “What’s the best place to get a bacon sandwich at 4am in the morning?”
  • “What lamp should I get for my bedroom?”
  • “I lost to my sister in a game of ‘Hungry Hungry Hippos.’”
  • “A turtle is on my porch and I don’t know what to do.”
  • “I can’t find my phone charger.”
  • “A family member is in the hospital and I need a ride.”
  • “A business blocked me on Yelp and I can’t leave a bad review.”
  • “My neighbor’s Chihuahuas are having sex and it’s grossing me out.”
  • “How backed up is the traffic on the bridge? I have diarrhea.”
  • “The wind blew my lawn chair over.”
  • “Joe Biden stole the election.”

Please note: All of the above examples are actual calls that were made to 911.

Here’s Another Reason to Not 911: “KFC Shorted Me On My Chicken Order!”

Absolutely ridiculous. Now if it was Chick-Fil-A…

Now enjoy Nigel sucking all the fun out of this story by turning it into a tale of a family starving to death due to a shortage of chicken breasts.