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A weary nation breathed a sigh of relief Tuesday following an announcement from Southwest Airlines that alcohol service is returning to most flights on Feb. 16.

Grateful American citizens received the news with euphoric delight, applauding Southwest Airlines’ leadership on this critical issue.

“I love booze and I love flying,” said a frequent flyer who spoke on the condition of anonymity due to concerns that his wife would find out. “I’ll definitely be doing the majority of my drinking with Southwest Airlines from now on.”

The decision from Southwest Airlines brings an end to nearly two years of travelers being cruelly forced to fly sober amid completely rational concerns that consuming alcohol while airborne could expose passengers to deadly COVID germs because the drinker must remove his or her improperly worn cloth mask that hasn’t been washed in weeks.

Lovers of Drink Keep Winning With Southwest Airlines: The airline announced it will also honor drink coupons that had been set to expire in 2020 and 2021. Like most normal people who don’t struggle with hoarding issues, you probably threw those coupons away once they expired. If you can find them, however, free drinks for you!

Sadly, a handful of flight attendants have expressed concerns that allowing passengers to consume a single miniature bottle of alcohol could fuel drunken in-flight behavior like verbal belligerence, physical altercations, and/or the removal of one’s pants.

Party pooper Lyn Montgomery, president of Transport Workers Union Local 556, the union representing Southwest flight attendants, called the airline’s decision to resume alcohol sales “both unsafe and irresponsible,” according to a report from MSN.

“We have adamantly and unequivocally informed management that resuming sales of alcohol while the mask mandate is in place has the great potential to increase customer noncompliance and misconduct issues,” Montgomery said.

Southwest Airlines declined to respond to Montgomery’s concerns, forcing me to do it for them.

And now a heartfelt pre-Valentines Day message for a very special lady named “Lyn.”

To: Lyn

From: Brian

Hi, Lyn. I very much enjoy your inspiring work with Transport Workers Union Local 556. Also, kindly blow it out your behind.

We’re more than two years into a pandemic that obliterated the global economy and, in particular, the airline industry. Inflation is approaching double digits. Joe Biden is our President. The release date for “Top Gun: Maverick” has been pushed back YET AGAIN. Self-medicating through the reckless abuse of alcohol is the only way some of us can cope with this neverending Coronavirus sh*t storm. 

Warmest regards and many blessings. 

Fun Fact: According to unruly passenger data from the Federal Aviation Administration, the number of investigations the agency initiated spiked from 146 in 2019 and 183 in 2020 to 1,099 in 2021. Of the 5,981 unruly passenger reports recorded last year, 73 percent (4,290) involved mask-related incidents.

What can we glean from this helpful FAA data? Booze ain’t the problem. Mask mandates are the problem. Okay, so a large majority of those “incidents” also involved alcohol, but I’m still pretty sure the mask thing was to blame.

Bottoms up!