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America’s favorite make-believe hate crime victim took the stand today in a Chicago courtroom.

Jussie Smollett, the genius who paid a couple of buddies $3,500 to beat the crap out of him (allegedly), told the jury who will decide his fate the following fun facts about his life:

  • The first night he met Bola Osundairo (one of the two Nigerian brothers who was underpaid to whip Jussie’s a**), they enjoyed copious amounts of weed and cocaine together. Then, they went to a club! Then, they went to a bathhouse! Then, they “made out.”
  • Smollett and Bola Osundairo got a “private room” at their bathhouse of choice for the evening.
  • There was “touching” (as you do).

What we learned from today’s testimony:

  • Jussie will pay big bucks for privacy but goes the discount route on paying friends to kick his a** for the purpose of garnering sympathy and publicity.
  • Jussie shelled out an extra $100 bucks for “supplies” needed to kick his a**.
  • Jussie denies EVERY claim put forth in this reckless article with the exception of the weed, cocaine, and touching in the bathhouse part.


  • Jussie will not be playing the role of “Adonis Creed” in the broadway presentation of “Creed,” which has yet to be announced.
  • Jussie might get to be the emcee of the talent show at whatever prison he serves out his sentence for those multiple felonies he committed (allegedly, but probably).
  • Just kidding, celebrities don’t go to jail – even D-list celebrities.

Hammer and Nigel have more exciting details about bathhouses and Smollett’s trial in the clip below.