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We now have the United States’ first confirmed case of the Omicron. Congratulations to all those who made this historic achievement possible. Special ‘shout out’ to the Wuhan lab in China.

Patient zero for the hip new variant of the Coronavirus is located in the highly-vaccinated state of California. For those who are geographically inept, it’s important to note that California is NOT located in the state of Florida.

The unnamed gentleman who made history by bringing the Omicron variant to U.S. soil is reportedly experiencing mild symptoms. Sadly, the dramatic sell-0ff he caused in the stock market Wednesday sent several investors to the ER with chest pain and shortness of breath.

Astonishingly, California Governor Gavin ‘Dippity-Do’ Newsom said Wednesday that he and his socialist allies in Sacramento do NOT anticipate imposing new restrictions on residents in response to Omicron.

“There’s more panic than information around this new variant,” Newsom said in a rare moment of sanity. “I think we can communicate so we can avoid any shutdowns, we can avoid shutting down our schools or businesses. None of us want to see that happen.”

But hark! What befuddled buffoon from demented D.C. breaks!

According to the Washington Post, a maskless and semi-conscious Biden is set to announce his most oppressive COVID policies yet Thursday. These actions include more restrictive travel measures and new quarantine procedures.

White House officials have neither confirmed nor denied that U.S. citizens could soon be subject to anal swab tests on-demand if power-hungry progressives miraculously survive the midterm elections.

It’s important to note that these reports are just speculation. However, Las Vegas oddsmakers are betting on the President delivering his remarks Thursday with his fly undone.

In the meantime, proud bastion of unreliable medical advice, ‘The Fauch,’ recommends Americans stay vigilant and in a constant state of irrational panic.

Hammer and Nigel have all the details in the clip below.