Ontario police have released the glorious 911 audio of a man who called the emergency line to report he had to go pee while stuck in traffic.
Pay Attention, Citizen:
“Hi, I’m currently in the process of being stabbed repeatedly by a stranger” is an acceptable reason to call 911.
“Hi, my impending plans to go tinkle are being impeded by a traffic jam” is NOT an acceptable reason to call 911.
“Good afternoon, fine sir. I’ve suffered a major heart attack and swallowed my tongue in the process” is a delightful reason to call 911.
“The sumbitches at McDonald’s put mustard on my cheeseburger and I told them not to,” while frustrating, is NOT a worthy reason to call 911.
Here are a few more reasons to NEVER call 911:
- “I saw a guy taking a walk by himself and he wasn’t wearing a mask.”
- “My dog was humping my leg and now I can’t get his penis inside its thing.”
- “My neighbor has a Trump flag in his yard.”
- “I got farted on by a guy in Walmart and I want to sue. Send police.”
- “My sister is refusing to share her food at the movie theater.”
- “The line at KFC is too long.”
- “I want to see fire trucks and ambulances with lights and sirens.”
- “What’s the best place to get a bacon sandwich at 4am in the morning?”
- “What lamp should I get for my bedroom?”
- “I lost to my sister in a game of ‘Hungry Hungry Hippos.'”
- “A turtle is on my porch and I don’t know what to do.”
- “I can’t find my phone charger.”
- “A family member is in the hospital and I need a ride.”
- “A business blocked me on Yelp and I can’t leave a bad review.”
- “My neighbor’s Chihuahuas are having sex and it’s grossing me out.”
- “How backed up is the traffic on the bridge? I have diarrhea.”
- “The wind blew my lawn chair over.”
- “Joe Biden stole the election.”
Sadly, all of the above are actual calls that were made to 911 according to dispatch officers.
https://omny.fm/shows/hammer-and-nigel-show/is-this-anything-11
