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Ontario police have released the glorious 911 audio of a man who called the emergency line to report he had to go pee while stuck in traffic.

Pay Attention, Citizen:

“Hi, I’m currently in the process of being stabbed repeatedly by a stranger” is an acceptable reason to call 911.

“Hi, my impending plans to go tinkle are being impeded by a traffic jam” is NOT an acceptable reason to call 911.

“Good afternoon, fine sir. I’ve suffered a major heart attack and swallowed my tongue in the process” is a delightful reason to call 911.

“The sumbitches at McDonald’s put mustard on my cheeseburger and I told them not to,” while frustrating, is NOT a worthy reason to call 911.

Here are a few more reasons to NEVER call 911:

  • “I saw a guy taking a walk by himself and he wasn’t wearing a mask.”
  • “My dog was humping my leg and now I can’t get his penis inside its thing.”
  • “My neighbor has a Trump flag in his yard.”
  • “I got farted on by a guy in Walmart and I want to sue. Send police.”
  • “My sister is refusing to share her food at the movie theater.”
  • “The line at KFC is too long.”
  • “I want to see fire trucks and ambulances with lights and sirens.”
  • “What’s the best place to get a bacon sandwich at 4am in the morning?”
  • “What lamp should I get for my bedroom?”
  • “I lost to my sister in a game of ‘Hungry Hungry Hippos.'”
  • “A turtle is on my porch and I don’t know what to do.”
  • “I can’t find my phone charger.”
  • “A family member is in the hospital and I need a ride.”
  • “A business blocked me on Yelp and I can’t leave a bad review.”
  • “My neighbor’s Chihuahuas are having sex and it’s grossing me out.”
  • “How backed up is the traffic on the bridge? I have diarrhea.”
  • “The wind blew my lawn chair over.”
  • “Joe Biden stole the election.”

Sadly, all of the above are actual calls that were made to 911 according to dispatch officers.