Blessed Supermarket Patrons of America:
A grand philosopher of majestic wisdom once uttered the following words of profundity: “When you gotta go, you gotta go.”
Sadly, this deeply insightful statement from an uncredited thinker of thoughts failed to include the following disclaimer: “When you gotta go, you still gotta go in a pre-designated area that is properly equipped to accommodate all your ‘going’ needs.”
Yes, treasured friends, it’s a thrilling era to be alive. It is an age of confusion. It is an age of passion. It is an age in which sophisticated medical technologies allow for the development of an mRNA vaccine in a timeframe that is comparable to your average visit to the Bureau of Motor Vehicles.
And yet, it is also an era in which it is necessary to remind shoppers across the fruited plains not to defecate on a pile of Gino’s pizza rolls in the frozen foods section of their local supermarket.
Yes, “Accidents Happen.”
On a hot and humid day, there’s nothing more refreshing than removing your pants and exposing your naked, sweat-covered fanny to the crisp, cool breeze of the industrial freezers at Kroger.
Experts caution, however, that the gentle sensation of subzero temperatures upon your fleshy cheeks will often induce euphoric feelings of relaxation and oneness with the universe that can cause the sphincter to relax to a degree that may prompt an involuntary solid matter discharge.
Therefore, it is best to play it safe and indulge all your bottom-related cryotherapy needs at home. ‘Accidents’ involving the deposit of your dirty dumplings upon a pile of flavorful frozen yummies at Kroger do not qualify as ‘happy accidents.’
An Oklahoma grocery shopper was forced Sunday to confront this increasingly common challenge of encountering feces in frozen foods.
According to multiple reports from national media outlets, shopper Shirley Wright-Johnson “reached inside a refrigerated unit to grab a bag of pizza rolls and got a handful of fecal matter” instead.
The biohazard ‘surprise’ was allegedly sandwiched between two bags, which is why the lucky shopper failed to see it. Wright-Johnson, who was shopping with her two children, said that it was only after feeling something “smooshy” that she made the thrilling discovery.
Police are now asking the public for help in returning the unclaimed excrement to its rightful owner.
So to summarize: pooping on pizza rolls is not ‘woke.’
Thank you for your attention to this important matter. Together, we can build a better America.
Hammer and Nigel have more in today’s edition of “Is This Anything?”