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I should make it clear at the outset that I’m not a member of PETA, I don’t have a problem with hunting, and I don’t own any cattle as household pets.

I also make some of the tastiest steaks on the face of the planet. Ask anyone who knows me and they’ll affirm that claim. When it comes to cooking beef, Sizzler ain’t got s*** on me.

That said, I really don’t understand the appeal of bullfighting as a spectator sport. What’s the point? What kind of person piles the family into the sedan on a weekend and pays good money to watch an animal get slowly tortured to death by a dude in tights?

Yes, I get that it’s a “cultural tradition,” but lots of “cultural traditions” are considered barbaric and cruel in the modern age – like forcing your family and friends to attend your “gender reveal” party, for example. The only time those things are fun is when something goes wrong with the explosives and a dad-to-be takes a cannon shot to the nuts – then we got ourselves a party! Otherwise, it’s pure torture.

Anyway, when it comes to bullfighting, I’m #TeamBull.

So this morning I learned about another “cultural tradition” in Spain involving bulls called a “concurso de recortadores.” The practice involves participants taking turns attempting to ‘mount’ a bull in order to prove their courage; i.e., how much alcohol they’ve consumed.

As it turns out, most bulls are generally reluctant participants in the “concurso de recortadores.” If there is “mounting” to be done, the bull would probably just assume be the one doing the mounting.

“Campanito” was such a bull, may he rest in peace.

Over the weekend, “Campanito” was in the process of being subjected to the time-honored cultural tradition of “let’s try to mount a bull” when he managed to escape from the ring by charging through a set of doors and onto the streets outside.

“F-R-E-E-D-O-M!” young “Campanito” probably thought to himself, recalling his favorite scene from “Braveheart.”

Yes, “Campanito” was having a perfectly lovely time as he gleefully ran through the village on a perfect summer afternoon. He even managed to gore a couple of residents who got in his way. Good times!

But good times turned tragic for  “Campanito” when the local villagers decided to take matters into their own hands by employing the “time-honored cultural tradition” of ramming him to death with their cars. And, of course, they also made use of the modern era’s “cultural tradition” of capturing the moment on their phones.

As you might imagine, animal rights activists are none too pleased about what transpired and are planning to file a lawsuit on the bull’s behalf.

“We will not let this case go unpunished,” Aïda Gascón of Spanish group AnimaNaturalis stated with great certainty. “Campanito was only guilty of what we would all do in his place.”

As for me, I’m not exactly sure how I would react if I were to encounter an angry bull on my commute to work. I’m relatively confident that I wouldn’t attempt to hit him with my car, however, as that seems like the kind of thing that would just piss the bull off even more. I don’t know, I’d have to be in the situation first to see how I would respond, but with the exception of protestors, I make it a general policy not to ram living creatures with my car.

RIP, “Campanito.”

By the way, ‘concurso de rectortadores’ translates to ‘trimmer contest’ in English. I must tell you that if one of my friends called me up on a Saturday and said he was heading to a “trimmer contest,” the activity of ‘mounting a bull’ would be the last thing to come to mind.