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Hiring a hitman is a lengthy and complicated process that requires skill, the ability to bargain for a good price, and most importantly, a strong desire to spend the rest of your natural-born life in Federal prison. It’s just not the type of hobby one takes up on a whim.

If, however, you insist upon ruining your life and the lives of many others by posting a “help wanted” ad for a planned killing, we strongly advise against choosing Craigslist as a trusted assassin recruitment website.

This wise counsel does not just apply to those who are wishing to eliminate the existence of an actual human being. Indeed, this sound advice should be applied to all scenarios involving murder for hire. Yes, even peacocks!

First, a word about peacocks: They’re beautiful. They’re majestic. They’re also noisy as hell and will ruin your life if they take up residence in your neighborhood. And because the author of this article has first-hand experience on this important American issue, I can assure you that pretty or not – they’re bastards.

On with our story…

A peacock was found dead of an apparent gunshot wound last week after a San Francisco resident became irate by the bird’s frequent 5 a.m. wake-up calls, causing him to put a hit out on the bird via Humboldt County’s Craigslist page, the Lost Coast Outpost reported.

“The job is simple… get rid of a wild peacock that is disrupting our lives,” read the since-deleted ad posted in the “Wanted” section on June 13, followed by instructions on where and when to find the bird. “If you’ve ever heard a peacock’s call, you know it’s as loud as a car horn […] Please contact me so we can form a strategy to eliminate this bird, and also to agree on how much you will be compensated.”

The kindly folks who live in the former peacock’s neighborhood are extremely upset about his violent passing. It’s interesting the things that get under the skin of San Francisco residents. History shows they’ll tolerate just about anything.

Now look, we’ve already acknowledged that peacocks are the winged tools of Satan. And yes, like so many of you, I’m still holding a grudge about “Knight Rider” getting canceled in the mid-1980s. But don’t kill peacocks – especially without getting approval in advance from your local Home Owners’ Association.