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In this age of ever-evolving technological breakthroughs, there are still a few household items that need not be WiFi-enabled. Your chastity belt is one of them.

Yes, we all identify with the desire to constantly upgrade your favorite celibacy device like it’s the all-new iPhone.

Yes, we’ve all been tempted by those 0% finance options and competitive monthly service plans.

And yes, the economic impact of the Coronavirus pandemic has made it easier than ever to score a deal on Facebook marketplace for a “gently used” unit, “extra clean!”

Don’t do it. You’ll just wind up with a severe case of BDSM buyer’s remorse.

Case in point: Sam Summers.

Sam and his partner undoubtedly thought they were making a wise investment decision when they purchased a top-of-the-line chastity belt from Chinese manufacturer Qiui. After all, they didn’t go cheap. They treated Sam’s tinkler to the “Cellmate” model that’s conveniently locked and unlocked through an app. That kind of luxury is generally reserved for the BDSM elites on Wall Street!

Regrettably, the happy couple’s dream purchase was later accessed by hackers who demanded a $1,000 ransom to set Sammy’s ‘stuff’ free.

Sam and his partner made another sound financial decision when they dipped into the remainder of their savings to pay the cyber-terrorists off.

But, in a penile plot twist that only the most sophisticated thinker could foresee, the hackers still refused to ‘Free Willy.’

At that point, Summers and his partner continued their well-established pattern of good judgment and used a sturdy pair of bolt cutters on the belt. And boy, did those babies cut – especially Sam’s penis.

Let that be a lesson, sexual deviants: Don’t negotiate with terrorists!

Hammer and Nigel have more in today’s edition of “Is This Anything?”

Medical Note: Sam’s penis is expected to make a full recovery.